re-publish alert! this has never happened before

to those who regularly happen upon this space! please be aware that “let go for dear life” is also viewable at The Urban Howl as of today. that site is such a magical platform that i’d be remiss to not encourage going in that direction and exploring — so, please go forth and explore!

for personal purposes and maybe others’ interest, here is the re-post:

“For You Who Have Known Hope and Grace, Let Go For Dear Life”

(full-on article title their doing, but i quite like it.)

*

uprooted from a sometime somewhere

on letting go | part 2

uprooted from a sometime somewhere

IMG_2225

i miss a tender wilderness that
i’ve not ever (truly) known
it is a place so far away that
i’m not lonesome
though i am alone — because —

the columns of the
rainforest
the colors of the sky
blanket all my being as much
as a lullaby.
and when i cry it is
more like a wellspring, like relief than

it is a drain, or pain — because
there is more underneath —

because it is reflection. it is
everything i’ve known. it’s

valleys peaks and
tender breezes
don’t you see it, how your spirit spies
the prize, which is
the way you recognize it — and the
way it knows you, too.

the presence of a buried wisdom:
living, breathing, even when you
know not what to do.

yet how am i to commence with this?
i long for that old abstract wilderness.

*

There are words for this feeling. I haven’t found any of them in the English language (such a wonderful language and yet so limited). Except yearning, but even that is so general, so vaguely-formed, in comparison to

sehnsucht, or

saudade, or

fernweh.

For some, the feeling does apply to a certain somewhere or someone that is far-away. To others, it is a sense more ephemeral. Right now, when I think about it, I’m decidedly in the in-between: there are moments wherein I feel close to having captured this elusive it, almost, mostly right at twilight, when the sun is hitting that perfunctory point above the trees as it sets, maybe glinting off of nearby water. Everything has clarity then, both within and without. I yearn for a place that I do and do not know, and is almost right there.

In those moments, the feeling itself does live within and without. Even though what I yearn for is also almost-present, all around and centered inside.

I fear I am making this sound complicated, when it is far from complicated. Is it not a feeling of everything’s existence and occurrence at one time — of nothing being absent — of alignment?

It doesn’t last. It doesn’t have to. You keep seeking anyway, right?

Maybe.

That kind of seeking can go awry, I know. It can lead you down roads you never intended, detours that sort of pit you against who you really are or what you really want. I think of Into the Wild, for the most obvious of examples, of that heartbreaking coda of a scrawled half-sentence: “Happiness only real when shared.” I have been reading Women Who Run With the Wolves, which also speaks to the tragedy of losing touch with one’s wild edge: how it can do you one worse; how doing so can slingshot you back into too much of everything, of intensity and chaos.

So I suppose I wonder if it’s possible to let go of the search. To let people, places, things — truest selves, too — enter and ebb as they please.

*

erasure

on letting go | part 1

erasure

itfelliguess

saw a girl get baptized in the
roiling river this morning,

grey morning, still sticky but
cool from the stormclouds chased away

and i remembered,
some people still pray.

they do because they must.
because, sometimes, it’s nigh-impossible
to see a path until you pause
and let your eyes adjust

to courses far unlike any
expected or perceived.

it is less overrun with weeds and
fibrous roots than
you believed

and
anyway,
if you listen to the briny wind
between the leaves —
if you dare to breathe that rush of air
no matter how much grey you see —

you just might remember
that
everything around you,
every tree,

wants you to be cleansed now, too —
wants you to be
only you —
wants you to be

free.

*

 

bythejames

I like the river better when it rains. It has much more to say.

*

Residual | Part 6

residual | part 6

roots like veins

dyingleaves

Roots like veins:
How gently they reach first;
Then, not at all.
Suddenly they’re shoots that call
Unto the soil, the earth’s
Very core.

So doggedly
Will not dissolve
Until you know what
They have done so for.

I know this rhythm
All too well:
Overplayed song
I’ve listened to too long.

My garden was
A mess, my friend.
I woke up in July,
Realized all the green had died off;
Every vine, gone dry,

And
All those roots, so much like veins,
Were fallow.
I knelt and wept, because
Not one had a tomorrow, and
I had nothing else left.
Was hollow; so bereft.

But when the sun
Had crested, and
The sweat smothered my skin,
Ruthless, I ransacked it all—
Reckless, I could begin

To unravel and to reckon and to unroot
Every tree,
Those parchment-thin remnants of
All that could never be.

Every page has filled up and
I repeat the words now.
Because I have met my shadow, because
I know now
That I was once the grasshopper, sleeping
Beneath the song
Of what seemed to be rifer days.
But that exoskeleton’s gone.
Now it is the crusted-over chaff left
For the birds.
And I’m starting over with these seeds;
All I have are my words.

*

More gardens. More roots. More of that old life cycle—sprouting growth, fading death, rebirth. Maybe it is the most obvious of metaphors but it works for me.

It’s one that my porch reflects well. Every spring since moving here I have planted literal seeds there in pickle buckets and aluminum bins: cauliflower, carrots, calendula, cherry tomatoes. Every year, they’ve started to get their roots beneath them before the heat and humidity or lack of space or shuddering shadows get to them.

When it comes to the more figurative seeds, it seems to be the same situation. Highly temporal, slow to get going, fading fast.

Perhaps it’s a lack of the right timing. Perhaps it’s not the proper environment or soil. Perhaps they need fertilizer, or compost, or some kind of herbal medicine.

Or perhaps I don’t really know what I’m doing.

But what I am finally starting to integrate is this: the act and the art of trying, those are the important parts. Process over product. That is wherein lies the beauty.

A simple lesson, to be sure, but maybe one to learn anew each morning.

*

Residual | Part 5

residual | part 5

What if I were smiling, and running into your arms?
Would you see then what I see now?

We wait for so much beneath the embrace of fluorescent lights—
Lingering is a natural state of things.
It pushes us towards entropy, that slow-consuming enemy;
It eats at order we desire, and renders patience faint.

How can we take in truth with slumbering eyes,
As if we’re in the cool of a coma?
Dreams try to tell us we still do, but
There’s still the clinging feeling, is there not, that someone’s forgotten you?

How can we go on waiting?
We have rooms for such things.
If there were a cavernous one for us all, well,
Those walls would be heavy with song, with sadness.
For waiting to give life, or to receive it;
To leave, or to return home;
To change, or to see change;
To find someone, or to lose him.

If this story has a moral, perhaps it’s this:
Our names are not our lives,
Nor are they graven with any chisel, safe as that would seem.

Yet why should not the opposite be comfort?
Why not tend another’s garden just to see the bloom?
Why sleep curled, fetal, on the floor in yet another empty room?

While our veins are yet undrained of second chances,
Let us be not timid—bravery comes in quiet ways.

Waiting is not wrong—perhaps purgatory is
Like paradise—

And it ends, eventually, and all things are made new.

*

I have little to say about this one. But I do believe that, eventually, all things are made new, no matter how blighted or seemingly depleted. Sometimes it simply requires waiting—patience—to get that full abundant result. That new breath of life. That grace-filled renewal that is real.

*

title drawn from Into the Wild (film version)

Residual | Part 4

residual | part 4

‘To ache is Human – not polite –’

mauisunrise

once there was a morning when
the sun dripped out of bed
infusing the air with the violet
drops of a blood orange, just
as citrus just as sweet, and
it was harsh and threatening. it made
the day action, abstraction
to concrete form, now. now. now.

what could i have done?
every brain was churning yet
in dream juices and acid trips.
what could i have done then?
i pushed open the doors
windows locks latches

and ah the reprieve! to drink
the atmosphere – clean and strong
as black coffee, and
what then?

an inhale – fear despair sadness cynicism
helpless hopelessness pain the dark
the shallow

yellowgreen bruises burnt edges
weeds dark deeds
doubt

cheeks drop numb, and
heat prickles behind my eyes,
and words escape:

my heart bleeds like a river                my heart bleeds like a river
my heart bleeds like a river from my soul
I’ve got peace like a river                   I’ve got peace like a river
so roll              Jordan             roll.

and the sky rippled with the stark dance
and the skyflash was brusque
with this exhale of it all.
its path was watercolored on the map of the sky
in red
bright red
blood apple cherry rose copper blood
then darker, darker: scarlet maroon crimson
color, color gushing from my lungs in an arc

a fountain

a river.

*

While I’d like to fancy myself someone who can be Strong Independent Woman (™) enough to not let certain things get to me, if I am being completely honest, a number of others’ comments both to and about me have stung enough that they stuck. Which is unfortunate, because many times they were not meant maliciously. And even more unfortunately,
(a) of course my reactions only reflected my own insecurity as well as
(b) a sort of existential belief that how others saw me was, in turn, how I was.

Anyway, this conversation in particular was great fun:

Other Person: “I love how you never get too excited or upset about anything.”
Me: “What? No, I’m not – stoic…
Other Person Again: “Yeah, stoic! That’s the word.”

Oh lord. Not that it’s a bad word: the Stoics were wise folk, being placid is crucial at times, who doesn’t need composure, etc. Just, for me, the word is not really that (typically anyway) true. In fact, I get excited about really microscopic and/or silly things. That SNL sketch about how much Ryan Gosling hates Papyrus? Totally me. Once I wrote a series of essay-length rants about the more egregious parts of commissioning and publishing poorly-written SEO content. (If it were well-written, no problem, but…) After seeing mother!, and the movie ended and the whole theatre started complaining, to my regret, I replied to those complaints rather loudly: “Haven’t you people ever heard of an allegory??”

It goes on. I won’t. Better to quit while I’m, what, behind, and being revealed to be a very obvious snob.

But. But. All that aside, stoic is a modus I once used in contexts where being otherwise was, shall we say, frowned upon. Not a great idea.

Getting to a place of being not-stoic most of the time means something like this: being okay with dealing pretty words like blades that never deemed they hurt.

(It’s from the poem this poem’s title is drawn from – please read it! Emily Dickinson deserves all of the appreciation.)

All this is to say, I suppose, that sometimes, to actually get free from whatever bullshit is dragging you down, you have to relinquish everything you’ve been holding completely. A bit like an elimination diet: flush out all that’s not right for you so you can know for sure what is.

And maybe it’s an exorcism to and for no one in particular, except for you. Because it could be there’s nobody to blame anymore. And/or, maybe there never was. Still, it is release of some kind that each of us needs. Because, as the Great One said (and I’ll say it over and over): to ache is Human – not Polite –’.

*

Residual | Part 3

residual | part 3

And how does one truly Stay True

(feat. slightly echoic audio right here)

 

and how does one truly Stay True?
as if it were something to simply Go Do—
or, were it not, perhaps it could relate
to that letting the presence of
Innermost You
radiate.

perhaps it is simple as
listening to
the whisper or trill of the pulse that is
something that’s
someone; that’s
You—
all of that which rises
like vapor, like steam,
approaches like a steady friend, saying

And If You Believe You Can
Then You Will Begin Again.

and again and again until
there’s some new bloom,
that you swear to keep alive within
that solemn room
that is your heart.

and never again let it depart.
because

you have an explosion in you, too.
i hope you know.
there are colors that flow,
and enervate,
and energize,
and procreate;
do realize
how palindromes and postulates and poetry
and, at times, pain,
all frolic and gambol and twirl and surge
from those quietest crevices in your
Beautiful Brain.

don’t be afraid—
because its light
circles          around        again.

the outside world is stillbeckoning
still hungry for you to Be There
even in the face of this reckoning
even when you are unaware.

so
take that pain from in your veins and
let it go from you.
take the story from your core and
let it free you all the more,
to speak its piece
and let it flow
and be your peace
until you know
that this is that realest fullest breath of
real              release.

*

 

morning

Who are you really?
Tend to her. Take him out to where he longs to be.
Or, be still and simply be with that truest you.

Isn’t that what the world needs?
Isn’t that what you need?

*